Letting the Princess into the Farm House

Note: This article originally appeared  on kveller.com. Kveller.com offers a Jewish twist on parenting, everything a Jewish family could need for raising Jewish children–including crafts, recipes, activities, Hebrew and Jewish names for babies…and advice from Mayim Bialik.

It all started with the arrival of the Ariel bathing suit.

I was whipping a cart through Target when my 2-year-old spotted the suit. “Oooh, so pretty,” she said. “And her hair is exactly the same color as mine.” My daughter has dark brown hair and Ariel’s hair is a shade of red you don’t actually find naturally. Something about her bubbly delight combined with her hilarious use of the word “exactly” softened me to mush and the suit went right in the cart.

Back in the days when parenting was still a theoretical concept for me, I was firmly in the anti-princess camp. Why would we want to expose our children to old fashioned and limiting stories of frilly girls waiting to be saved by a prince?

But in real life, the quick calculation in my mind went something like this: “Wow, that mermaid is in a skimpy bathing suit, they have to be kidding… On the other hand, opposing a mermaid seems harsh and humorless, like being anti-unicorn, and I don’t want to create a forbidden fruit issue.” So the bathing suit came home, and became an instant favorite.

Then we visited a cousin who shared a princess book with my children and my 2- year-old came home with a new word which she took to yelling, “pinnnn- cesssss.” Suddenly, the various princesses were appearing in the most unexpected places. We would be calmly pushing the shopping cart through the grocery store and I would hear the shriek from the cart, “pinnnnnn-ssesssss.” My untrained eyes started scanning while my little one motioned desperately up toward a shelf of toothpaste, breakfast cereal, bread, whatever…. and then I would spot it, a tiny picture of a princess on the side of some random made-in-China plastic thing. It could be anything, a mini-water bottle, bandages, shampoo, vitamins, the images appear in the most unlikely places and children can train their eyes to see them all.

Thinking and reading about the effect of princess culture on young girls (and boys) was the kind of thing I had time to do before becoming a mother. But things move so fast and there is not enough time to read these days, so I wind up making important decisions too quickly, with an eye on revisiting them later. I am not sure if I am making the right call on this one but here is why I am allowing them in the house for now.

Why I’m allowing this princess stuff in my house:

1) If I am casual about the whole thing, I hope it will blow over early and she will be done with them before it really matters.

2) While she loves princesses, this morning she happily went out to do some “farm chores” with her dad and brother wearing a flannel shirt and jeans that she picked out from her brother’s dresser.

3) I am reassured that my son seems to be equally interested in princesses (and princes), so it is not a girl thing in our house (yet).

4) I am concerned that guarding against it strictly might create a backlash.

5) Since we live on a farm and she has female role models like me who are decidedly un-princess like, I feel it might create a balance that is ok in our house, for now. But I am not sure.

6) I will keep reevaluating this one and I am open to finding out I need to be more proactive in keeping the whole pin-cesses thing at bay.

I did find a couple of resources from people with the time and expertise to think this issue through when they are not pushing grocery carts at the same time. I hope to find time to read them all before it spirals out of control around here.  I would love to hear how others navigate this one. Does Mayim keep the princesses out? Should the rest of us?

Here are the resources I’d love to read, once I find the time:

- The American Psychological Association report and all the press that followed: Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls.

- Cinderella Ate my Daughter, by Peggy Orenstein,

- The Christian Science Montitor Story: Little Girls or Little Women, The Disney Princess Effect

This article originally appeared on kveller.com. Kveller.com offers a Jewish twist on parenting, everything a Jewish family could need for raising Jewish children–including crafts, recipes, activities, Hebrew and Jewish names for babies…and advice from Mayim Bialik.

Lessons from a Broken Candle

broken candle, partially but not really repaired

A few weeks ago, my two year old found this havdalah candle on the table and picked it up. She was probably twisting it around in her hands, maybe she wanted to see if she could unbraid it and before she knew it, the candle broke. Havdolah candles are lit for a ceremony marking the end of Shabbat (the sabbath). We don’t do it every week, so the candle was a bit of a novelty to have out.

I came in the room and before thinking said, “oh, you broke it”.  I saw her whole body startle.  She looked at me as if emerging from a reverie, and looked very sad.  “Sorry, candle.”  She said, her tiny voice full of remorse.

I was quick to try to soften the blow, “that’s ok, we will fix it, wax melts. we can stick it back together. We can still use it.”  But it was too late, she was sad.  A few more times that night she said, “sorry, candle”.  At two, her memory is getting longer.  I wished I hadn’t jumped to say something, it was clearly an accident.  She could not possibly know that wax is so breakable.

I kept reassuring her and expecting her to forget, but she kept bringing it up again.  “candle, sorry, broken, candle”.  And I kept telling her it was OK, things break, everybody breaks things sometimes, it is good to say your sorry, everybody forgives her.

I see you, You See Me book

A couple of weeks passed and she did not talk about it anymore.   I was starting to forget about it. But last night, as I was putting her to bed with this book she started stroking the edge of the mirror and saying, “sorry, sorry”.   At first, I did not make the connection and I asked her, “why are you sorry?”

“Sorry candle,” she said.  And then I saw, of course, the blue and white border reminded her of the candle.   And she was still sorry! It reminded me that I need to think before I speak, since you can’t take back your words.  I am so sorry I made her feel bad enough about breaking the candle that she is remembering it weeks later.  But I am also happy that she is still little enough that I can pretty much follow her train of thought and little free associations.

Thanks for following along with me.

Tractor Seat Slipcovers and Baby Carrots

Ready for some comic relief from real life today? Truth is really stranger (and funnier) than fiction.

Sometimes I spend time reading sewing blogs and marveling at all the adorable projects some super mothers seem to effortlessly carry out while caring for many children, homeschooling, gardening and generally doing it all.  For me, sewing and parenting are not always as easy a match.  So with that in mind, I have to share what I just found in my sewing machine compartment.  Please note, last I saw this compartment had 4 bobbins ready to go and my new seam ripper (the last one had already vanished) safely stowed.  Who knows where those things are now!

baby ducks, baby carrots no bobbins

In other news, today I found my husband on the telephone attempting to replace this pathetic tractor seat.  I am not sure if they told him that they are not made anymore or that they are super expensive but when he got off the phone he asked me (no joke) if I could sew him a slip cover!  He does have a friend who he also plans to rope into doing a little welding repair first, but still I had to laugh and then grab my camera.  All fabric suggestions are welcome, what do you think a nice light silk?

SOS tractor seat call in action

Natural Play on the Farm

I am not going to pretend that my children go outside to play every day.  There are plenty of days in Maryland that are too cold, or too hot, or too windy to play safely outside.  But today we took a little walk outside and it turned out to be so inspiring.  I love how creative children are with play especially when they are out in nature.

A ladder set aside from a job becomes a natural obstacle course for learning balance. We do not have much in the way of an outdoor playground and it is at these moments when I realize we do not need one. There are so many ways to play on the farm and unlike a fixed playground, the landscape is always changing.

The children also spent time tasting the wonderful emerald tat soi and lettuce growing in the hoophouse. It is a challenge to teach a two-year old not to walk on the plants, but she is getting the idea. Her brother is helping by shouting “ouch” on behalf of the plants whenever he hears a crunch. These greens are starting to go to seed, so I was a little less protective of the plants than I would have been if they were younger.

Finally, they spent some time “paddling” an overturned kayak which might have been their favorite part, it looked like an exciting voyage even without any water in sight. These are the kind of play sessions that make me so happy that the children are growing up on a farm. It might actually be the most important thing that happens on the farm and it is so much easier than growing vegetables!

My Appletunist

I have decided that my 18 month old is an apple-tunist. Apple was one of her earliest words and she loves to say it. Even though it has three sounds and seems a lot more complicated than “mama” it was a very early word for my son too, so maybe it is somewhat universal. She used to use the word to refer to all food, hunger and all things round like a ball. She would also say it just for fun while riding in the car. Now she has a lot of new words – almost a word a day. She can say other food words like cheese, banana and peas. And she can say ball now too. So her opportunities to use her favorite word apple are shrinking to more apple specific moments.

So now when she has the opportunity to say “apple” in an appropriate context – she really jumps on it. Apples in books, the grocery store or the fruit bowl or even an apple being eaten across the beach inspires a sing song series of “ap-ple, ap-ple, ap-ple”. Other fruits, especially round ones like peaches will elicit a similar although somewhat less enthusiastic response. If someone else uses the word, she always repeats it with glee and is happy to join the conversation. I can already imagine her years older deftly shifting the conversation to a topic that interests her in a “speaking of apples, I read the most interesting article about apples yesterday,” kind of way.

I think I could count all of her words just using my fingers and toes to count but its amazing to watch her pick up new ones so fast and in the next six months, G-d willing, she will pick up hundreds more. And I am sure I will look back and miss the days when everything was an apple and using the word made her giddy and proud.