The Four Grown Ups: A Haggadah Supplement

This morning I was thinking and reading a little about the four children in the Passover Hagaddah, which are usually depicted as the wise child, the wicked child , the simple child and the child who is too young to ask. Every Haggadah will interpret these children a little differently, but they all have suggestions on how to parent each child according to their needs. While not directly related, I was also inspired by this piece by the Velveteen Rabbi about parents obligations at Passover to children.  And since the children were playing with magnetic tiles for a long time this morning,  I played with the idea a bit and turned it upside down for one more version.

The Four Grown Ups

The Baster: For the parent who is in the kitchen when the Seder is about to begin and says “go ahead without me, I am basting the brisket, ” you should praise this parent on her lovely alliteration and then gently remind her that as we once fled Egypt with unbaked bread, so tonight we can eat a brisket with one less basting.

The Helicopter Parent: For the parent who is so involved in teaching the children that he doesn’t learn a single grown up thing at the Seder and says, “go ahead without me, we are making baskets for baby Moses from these grape vines we gathered,” the helicopter parent should be reminded that parents have an obligation to learn on Passover too. The vines should be gently removed from his hands and he should be handed a grown up Haggadah, preferably by Maxwell House or the New American Hagaddah Jonathan Safran Foer and Nathan Englander.

The Zealot:  For the parent who is so involved in discussing an obscure midrash that she shoves off her child who has lost his page in Sammy Spider’s First Haggadah, she should be reminded that on Passover we also have an obligation to teach and to learn.

The Auntie: For the Seder guest who is not yet a parent and does not know what to ask, we should calmly explain that each child is different. There are millions of different kinds of children and parents, so four is kind sort of an understatement to say the least.

My Passover Parenting Fail

This piece originally ran at Kveller.com.

On the way home from Sunday school, my tiny children asked so many uncomfortable questions. They asked about God, and death, and bad guys, and then something even worse. That Egyptian child from the tenth plague was just temporarily frozen, I told them. Once Pharaoh realized his mistake all the children were fine. Then I desperately tried to change the subject, but it kept coming back.

My children watched Prince of Egypt in Sunday school this weekend. They didn’t watch a short excerpt either. They watched a pretty big chunk of the movie and it was nowhere near age appropriate. I was there and in hindsight I wish I had followed my gut and pulled my children out of the room. Sometimes I wonder if I am being oversensitive, all of the other parents were chatting in the other room. I was the only one in the room wringing my hands.

If I had previewed the movie, I wouldn’t have let my children watch it. When I asked the other mother who is a volunteer teacher about it she said it was very gentle. Before the scene on the plagues, I asked her how the movie handles the tenth plague.  She said, “Oh, it is very tasteful. It will go over their heads. It is just like a wind storm that comes through.” I don’t blame the teacher, other parent volunteers had canceled at the last minute and she was doing her best to fill in.

So I left my little ones seated, my tiny new 3-year-old and my sensitive nearly 6-year-old.  But when the scene came, it made my stomach wrench. It focused on the Pharoah’s adorable innocent son being hit by this creepy wind storm from God, and well, you can imagine. Next the small boy is covered by a white sheet and the Pharoah says to Moses, “Ok, you can go now” or something.  The crossing of the sea was rough too, but nothing compared to the boy with the sheet.

On the car ride home my 3-year-old said, “Why did God dead that boy.” These are moments I question everything, why do we even pass on scary stories generation after generation. Clearly, I do not believe it should be done through a video. I could have just reached for the remote, hit pause and suggested a story or game, but when I am in a community I don’t want to always be the trouble maker. It would have been better for all the children. I could have, but I didn’t.

It is so frustrating because Sunday school is a big effort. We rushed breakfast and drove 30 minutes away. And I have a feeling I will be digging out of this hole for a long time.  I wound up fabricating this lie that God was just trying to teach Pharoah a lesson. And all of the Egyptian children were happy in the end too.  My 3-year-old wanted to believe it, she kept repeating, “so God was doing a joke that wasn’t silly. The child did not really get dead-ed.”

My 5-year-old sort of believed me, but not fully.  And I don’t know if I should have been lying or not, but I do think we shouldn’t have even been having that conversation. And since we were all in the car together, I could not have a slightly older kid conversation with my son.  I did the best I could with my scrappy answers while trying to keep my eyes on the road. Parenting is hard, and messy, and this morning I am pretty sure I missed the mark.

 

It’s Tu B’Shevat – Happy New Year to the Trees

One of my favorite trees, Camellia Tree flowering in the snow

(Note: This piece originally ran on 1/24/13 in the Washington Jewish Week). Did you know Tu B’Shevat coincides with Shabbat this year and starts tonight?  A January Tu B’Shevat is one of the first signs that the Jewish holidays will come early this year. You may have heard that the first night of Hanukkah will fall on Thanksgiving this fall. We will have to stay on our toes and keep our Jewish calendars close at hand in 2013.

It’s not just the Jewish calendar that seems to be coming fast this year. Spring is on its way to Washington early too. Friends are already reporting bulbs emerging in their gardens, rosemary plants flowering and even a purple crocus.  While some years we really have to use our imagination to envision flowering trees on Tu B’Shevat, this year we can be a bit more literal and find actual signs of spring in our area.

Tu B’Shevat is the New Year of trees in Israel and the time that the almond trees burst into full bloom and many people plant trees.  Tu B’Shevat is a great time to think about what trees offer and to teach children a little bit about ecology, gratitude and Israel. Trees hold soil down to prevent erosion, clean our air and provide fruit, habitat for animals, shade and beauty. Here in the Washington area, it is too early to put tender saplings in the ground. We can still have plenty of snowy weather ahead. But it is a great time to go outside with children, search for signs of spring and do some tree related activities.

Some people recommend planting parsley seeds on Tu B’Shevat with hopes of using the parsley as part of the Passover Seder.  This is a very nice idea, but as a farmer, I know that parsley is very difficult to germinate even with a professional set up. It might be more rewarding to plant seeds that are more likely to offer instant gratification by sprouting quickly.  Green beans or sunflower seeds are favorites for planting with children.  Young children will enjoy labeling their plants and checking on them every day.

On my family’s farm we have a very young fruit orchard that always needs attention this time of year. Some of the trees need to be tied up and others need to be mulched.  Since the holiday falls on Shabbat this year, we will not work on the orchard. The holiday will still be a good time to take a walk on the farm and inspect the trees. As of now, they are predicting a cold day for Tu B’Shevat, we might even have snow on the ground. That is good, because locally our fruit trees need a minimum number of cold days and nights before they can flower and set fruit.  So if it is too cold for a family hike, remember it might be just the kind of day fruit trees need.  Weather you get to synagogue for a full Tu B’Shevat Seder or just manage to appreciate the trees around your neighborhood, I wish you and your loved ones a wonderful holiday.

Hanukkah Goes to Public School

Answering the age old question, Can you spin a dreidel on matzah?

This week I went to my son’s kindergarten class to talk about Hanukkah.  My husband and I read a story, showed the children a manorah, introduced the Hebrew letters on the dreidel and the talked about olives and olive oil.   It was all over in a short and sweet 20 minutes!

While preparing for our 20 minutes in the Kindergarten spotlight, I did some research and wrote a piece for the Washington Jewish Week.  Following are some resources and my article in case you are planning a similar presentation.

• My blogging friend, Joanna Brichetto, aka The Bible Belt Balabusta is full of great resources on how to do a parent presentation with the added bonus of her hilarious sense of humor.

• Amy Meltzer shared her adorable  Kindergarten classroom’s Hanukkah story here.  This was done in a Jewish day school context, but is presented in a wonderful simple form.

•  The True Meaning of Hanukkah, by Hilary Lelia Krieger ran in the New York Times on December 7th, and grapples with the topic of Hanukkah in school and the public sphere.
• This was an interesting piece about in the Forward with a great title For the Separation of Manorah and State, by Eliahu Federman.
• This video, This is How the Technion Students light the Manora is wonderful and would be so fun to show to a group of students to introduce the manorah using balloons, lots of dominoes and so much more.
• Finally, my article on preparing for my Hanukkah parent visit is reprinted below.

Hanukkah Goes to School, (this piece originally ran last week in the Washington Jewish Week on 12/6/2012)

This morning my son’s kindergarten teacher invited me to talk to his class about Hanukkah. I said yes and upon returning home immediately ordered enough plastic dreidels and gelt to hand out to his whole class.  I knew I could not say no to the teacher, but talking to the class where my son is the only Jewish child is not going be easy.

It’s not that I am unqualified to do a Hanukkah presentation to kindergarteners. I am very Jewish identified and know the Hanukkah story well. I might stumble over pronouncing “King Antiochus” but who wouldn’t. Plus, it’s kindergarten so we won’t get into that level of detail anyway.  There are plenty of excellent guides online for parents and teachers. So what could be the problem?

One reason the presentation will be tricky for me is it brings up some uncomfortable memories.  Like my son who attends a rural public school, I went to an elementary school that also had very few Jewish students.  I can remember wanting to disappear into my chair when my second grade teacher asked me to tell the class about Hanukkah. I was shy and my overarching goal in school was blending in. The last thing I would have wanted was to have my parents show up to do a Hanukkah presentation.

But parenting has already taught me in a thousand different ways that my children are not copies of me. They are growing up with a whole different set of experiences and my little kindergartener is looking forwards to handing out dreidels and showing off his knowledge of Hebrew letters.  He is proud of being Jewish and has already begun talking about Hanukkah in school. He has no sense that he should feel shy about being different and I know better than to introduce the concept.

Another reason talking to his class seems tricky for me is that in my ideal world the public schools would not talk about any religious holidays at all. Schools would stick to talking about the winter season, the upcoming winter solstice and how the animals are managing the cold. They would leave Santa, latkes, Kwanzaa, elves and all the rest to the parents. The reality is there will be plenty of Christmas inspired activities at school in the coming weeks.  In fact, the school plans to show the full length movie, “The Polar Express”, about a boy who learns to believe in Santa Claus.  While my son may love the film, I think he could wind up feeling pretty left out and confused.

Just today my son came home from school with a pressing question. “Mom, I need the truth.  Santa is not real, right? Because everyone says he is. Why are they saying that?”  I hesitated a bit and then told him the truth.  I told him he was big enough to keep it a secret, because lots of his friends will believe in Santa for a very long time. I am not sure if that was the right call, but there was no avoiding the direct question. So given the Christmas themed projects and talk that is already underway, it seems appropriate to balance it out with a little talk on Hanukkah.  Since Judaism is both a religion and a culture, I can stick to sharing cultural parts of the holiday and not pile on more religion. This still rings a little of the rationalization, “if you can’t beat them, join them”, but I think the pros of presenting outweigh the cons.

For one thing, my son is proud and happy to share his Jewish knowledge with the class.  He needs me to match his pride and leave my mishagash (Yiddish for craziness) at the door. Despite the complexities, I am starting to look forward to my chance to share Hanukkah with more confidence than I could have possibly mustered in the second grade.  I realize it also comes with the responsibility of offering some children their very first exposure to anything Jewish.

I am planning to show the Hebrew letters on the dreidels and explain that children around the world learn many different alphabets and languages. I will read a story and hand out the dreidels and gelt.   We will talk about the need to celebrate light during the darkest season.

I sincerely hope that a spin of the dreidel and a taste of sweet Hanukkah gelt will create a lasting positive association with Jewish people for his classmates.  I hope it will encourage other parents and students to share parts of their cultural identities. And finally, I really, really hope none of the children ask if Santa is coming to our house.

Some More Resources

There are many well written guides online about how to teach about Hanukkah to young children and about navigating Christmas.   Here is a sample:

Anti-Defamation League’s The December Dilemma: December Holiday Guidelines for Public Schools

Sustaining the Light: Social Justice Program Guide for Chanukah, Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism,

Jewish New Year and Tashlich at the River

We celebrated the Rosh Hashanah or the Jewish New Year this week with a visit to synagogue to pray and hear the shofar, a delicious apple cake modified from the Smitten Kitchen (ok, very modified), and tashlich at the river.

Tashlich is the ritual of throwing bits of bread in the water while recounting things you are sorry about on or shortly after Rosh Hashanah.  You can find an official description from Chabad here.   It has always been one of my favorite rituals, because it is personal, hands-on, and takes place outdoors. We went down to the local Patuxant River on a perfect fall afternoon to toss bread and think about our mistakes.

This was the first year that our 5 year old basically understood the concept of tashlich.  He threw bread in the water for fighting with his sister, throwing things when he was mad and going to “too wild” with a friend from school.  He even dug way back to some things that happened when he was 3 and 4 years old (back in the days he threw bread at tashlich just for the fun of throwing bread).

My favorite part was watching his personal spin on tashlich. Each time he threw the bread he said, “I forgive myself for…”.   I am not sure what you are supposed to say exactly but I usually just say, “for not listening, for losing patience,” etc. He added, “I forgive myself” which seems like a great place to start and for some of us can be the hardest part of forgiving.  In fact, earlier that day while he was downstairs in the children’s room, someone at synagogue spoke about the importance of forgiving ourselves as part of our preparation for Yom Kippur, so it was timely too.

We finished by all throwing in larger chunks for my annual catch all “for the things we are not remembering to name,” and watched the bread drift downstream toward the sea before setting off on a very short nature walk.

Thanks for reading! Happy Fall Equinox, Happy New Year if you are celebrating and Happy Birthday to my big sister (and the world)!